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Friday, June 22, 2007

Mothering, for J mainly


A friend of mine recently sent a plea into cyberspace.
New Stay At Home Mom. I'm very pregnant. I already have a two year old. It's Hot. Suggestions?

Well, I scribbled off some nonsense. Schedule, flexibility, yadayadayada.

And then, tonight, as Elspeth went up to the bath, covered in tomato, sand, and tears, I faced the kitchen alone. The floor was covered in pita bread and couscous. Dishes stuck out their dirty tongues from every corner. Weariness spread through me, radiating out from the pit of my stomach. I entertained the temptation to flee and spend some time outdoors, but as even as I put a mental foot out the door, I began thinking so hard about something else that I forgot to care about what I was doing.

This often happens, and it is the key, I think, to enjoying "stay-at-home-mothering." That is, the way to enjoy yourself immensely and your children more. Turn to drink.

Just kidding. Actually, the secret is CULTIVATING YOUR INNER LIFE. This of course, is only one of the secrets, and can not be what it should be without a community in place. And a sense of enjoyment.

This sounds really corny, like a promo-talk or a powerpoint-driven empower yourself gobbelty gook. But here goes, anyway. . .

When my inner life is full--when I'm engaged in a project, such as designing a new garden, writing a book or a short story or an essay, or simply enjoying a good book--then I am a much more energetic mother. I do not snap at Martin or melt or explode at the kids. I find myself singing and dancing and reading with the girls and enjoying them as friends as well as daughters. Developing a vibrant inner life takes discipline, support, and determination. It requires me to remember that I am young and full of energy, and some things are sacred but many are not. It helps me remember and trust in the presence of God and the goodness of the world.

It also helps rankling comments ("you're not employed, then") or categories ("housemother") to slide right off my back like oil. I am, like all other humans and my own children, undefinable. While others may slot me into a box it certainly doesn't alter who I really am. A rich inner life gives me strength not to have to defend what I'm doing--not to explain that I worked, stayed home by choice, and work on other things still. It gives me energy for good conversation and a thirst to continue learning. It helps me find others whom will challenge and excite me--who do not talk of their children every moment but of the book they just finished or the project they started.

If I am faithful to cultivate my own inner life (even if this is just 30 minutes of writing instead of cleaning during nap time, and writing dialogue for a story in my head while I cook dinner)--then my girls will follow suit. Merry already spends hours on her own, creating stories out loud and pretending. I think actually we're on the odd side, but that's okay. We even turn our conversation into operas sometimes, Merry singing one part about her mac and cheese and I the other about the plates or whatever the occasion calls for. When she was four, I picked her up from preschool and then we walked across the street to the tea room where she told me stories and I told her some of my own. The lovely tradition was banished of course when Elspeth came along, but the ritual of tea (at home or near the garden now) encourages us both in our own pursuits and in the enjoyment of one another.

Also, a beer at the end of the day--(or good chocolate if you're pregnant!) helps.

So let the dust build and write your libretto instead. Your children will thank you.

3 comments:

AppDaddy said...

What a wonderful writing!
Stay at home mothering is of course near and dear to our hearts.
If your Aunt had five bucks for every time some block head asked her "Well, what do you do all day?" we would be spending part of our time in Switzerland.
Spend just one day with a stay at home mom, and you will run screaming out the back door! Especially when the kids are young.
Just this past week a woman I work with from our corporate office called and told me that she is quitting to raise her one year old son. They had him late in life, early forties and she and her husband have already seen the effects of day care and absence from Mommy.
Bless you and every woman who makes this great sacrifice!
Our 'modern' society does not esteem stay at home moms, you will suffer financially and in other more subtle ways.
But the results and rewards far outweigh the sacrifices in my estimation.
Chocolate has helped to keep your Aunt sane, and a glass of wine or so (when not with munchkin of course!) certainly helps!
My own mother somehow made it without that, but she may have lived longer had she kept a stash of good Merlot around.

Anonymous said...

Hooray for the opportunity to stay home with the kids! Most days I'm extremely thankful that I get to do it, a few days...well, we won't go there! It's amazing how fast they grow up, and being in the midst of it is something I wouldn't give up for the most amazing salary! I tell myself every day "make a moment today memorable for the kids"...most days, it works! It's taken me a lot of time to get my priorities straight, but...duh...how much greater is it to giggle with your kids than clean the house?!

Anonymous said...

Thanks, dearie. :) I realized today that SAHMing is very like any other job ... hours of focus on the matter at hand, with occasional breaks and, of course, evenings off. On days when Ngaire takes a 2-hour nap, I actually get more free time than I ever did at work.

The inner life, oh yes. I have a goal to (eventually) spend part of each day reading something literary, writing something creative, and catching up a bit on world events. Though with the house on the market right now and all, I'm spending an inordinate amount of time CLEANING, oy.

~ J.