Today my good friend and I ventured out into the cold in her minivan. Freezing temperatures drove us to capitalism! We sported five children between the two of us, and people in stores watched our slow cart procession with concern or humor. Finally, the Sam's & Lowe's trips ended; we, who are not true shoppers, flopped exhausted into the van packed with huge packages of Romaine Hearts and Organic Potting soil. A latte seemed in order.
As we waited in line for our decaf-grande-extra-hot-vanilla-lattes, the children began a symphony of complaints behind us. "It's not fair," they wailed. "We want a snack; we want hot chocolate, etc."
We established life was not fair, an echo from every childhood that only in adulthood seems ironic.
The Starbucks drive-through was slow. The children continued to whine. Then one of them asked: "Why are we here?"
His mother did not skip a beat. "To love and serve God," she replied. "Isn't that what the catechism is?" she muttered to me.
"Sounds right to me," I said, laughing.
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Beyond that funny moment, a moment that was as perfect as my creamy, extra-hot vanilla latte, I thought occurred to me tonight as I vacuumed our forsaken floors: Gratitude.
Gratitude. Suddenly, the other day, I realized that this childhood, for my children, is the only one they will have. I will not be able to rewind their lives or offer them alternatives. Sometimes their childhood seems long and everlasting. Other times, as when viewing a faded picture of my grandmother lounging trim (younger than I now!) in a white swimming suit, I realize that life is short, every minute precious.
Though I desire Gratitude to be a way of life, a rhythm that marks the passage of my minutes, I am sloppy at best in my thanksgiving. Often brief moments of deep gratitude catch me off-guard, as when I cleaned tonight, Elspeth on my hip, the world cold and unpredictable outside our warm windows.
As I age, Gratitude, if I choose it, will gentle me. It will put my pride, my impatience, my chafing, in its place. It will give me the space and the silence to love well without demanding many things in return. Someday it will help me die well.
So tonight, I am grateful for my children, my lover, the warmth of my family and my house. I am grateful for my own childhood, and for everlasting books and music and food. I am grateful for the delphinium and marigold seeds waiting on my back porch, and for lamplight. For the callouses on my hands, my breasts that have fed my daughters, for all of my fingers that touch and wash and plant and write. I am indeed grateful.
