(DASTARDLY) Break-in at Wazoo Farm

So, good scouts, brilliant Holmesian detectives, see if you can crack the case of the Dastardly Wazoo Break-in. The clues are AS FOLLOWS (ahem):

One: I realized only this morning that I had left the door to our back porch wide open. (So let me clarify. 'Twasn't a classic break in.) A sign (COME ON IN, FOOLS) was hanging on the doorknob, and the burglars clearly took note and felt duly welcome if not a little insulted.

Two: The following were removed from the house and vandalized: Large bag of unsalted peanuts. Left on deck: box of Trader Joe's Multigrain 0 transfat crackers-- meticulously emptied.

Three: The following damage was done: Pineapple scraps, etc., thrown in careless manner about floor. Bag of brown sugar, bags of rice flour desecrated.

Four: Burglars wore irremovable black masks.

You can't blame the burglars, as Martin said, and I agreed (thanks for pointing it out, chump)--indeed I was the one to blame. I! I took full responsibility and did the sweeping, the cleaning, and reported the crime to our local department. (It's a small town, and burglaries like this are big news.) When you publish the article in the paper, I said, Make sure you emphasize the burglary was actually my fault. The burglars actually did no wrong. Probably they had hungry kiddies at home.

This did not stop me from volubly calling the masked fellows a very rude name. The newspaper said they couldn't print that specific word, but they'd do their best with the rest of it and Gee wilikers, what a corker of a story this one was. I dare say, in the near future, there will be a sharp increase in people actually closing their doors at night.

All in all, I thank my lucky stars the chappies did not devour my sack of whole wheat pastry flour. And as Martin added, they left the Yingling beer alone. Thankfully we hadn't left a bottle opener in full view by the beer, or the robbers would have likely passed out cold on our deck steps and we'd be sad, sad, on a Friday night with pizza but no booze.

So take my advice, good people. Tonight, before you go to bed, for Pete's sake, shut your doors. And you'll have nothing to fear. It's all about education, about breaking the ignorance. This crime does not have to happen again!