All Who Wander

All who wander are not lost.
--Tolkien's Lord of the Rings
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Sister, this is in reply to your question:

What was wrong with the church we were at?

Nothing. In fact, I'd strongly recommend it to anyone who arrives in town, is looking for a well-established, well-run church, and wants a good solid evangelical education for themselves and their children. The pastor gives outstanding, well-thought sermons. The choir is pleasant, the members are educated, intelligent, and kind.

So why, why, why, are we wandering again?

I'm not entirely sure, but I'll try to explain.

Martin and I have moved almost every year, and during our moves we have spent time in Episcopalian, Reformed, Southern Baptist, more liberal Baptist, and Presbyterian churches. We both grew up evangelicals, and Merry and Elspeth are baptized Episcopalians.

We both fell in love with the Episcopalian church in college. The liturgy articulated all that we wanted to but could not; it rooted us in history; it was inclusive of many; its rich symbolism and concept of Christians bringing the Kingdom of God here on earth all resonated deeply with us. The Episcopalian pillars made sense: Reason, Scripture, and Experience. The church calendar finally made Easter exciting, Christmas celebratory, and Eucharist was suddenly a real, substantial experience of God's grace.

So of course we looked for a good Episcopalian Church when we moved here, but did not find one.

Before we visited Quaker meeting, I had a talk with my parents. (All parents warn their children:All that glitters is not gold). They affirmed what I knew about church: no church is perfect (no community is perfect); you have involve yourself and give what you can. I know this, but I also acknowledge the great sense of restlessness I have experienced of late. Recently I've been relieved for an excuse to miss church; I haven't minded when Elspeth needs my attention and I can leave the service; I've gone to church out of a sense of duty rather than joy. Church is a discipline, yes, and has been for how many years? As long as I've been alive.

Now I'm an adult, and I have a feeling that this new sense of restlessness Martin and I are both experiencing is a good reason for us to journey forth. I've always been fairly content to follow in the footsteps of those before me, and to take my children to church every Sunday. It's just what's done. But WHY?

Listen, I feel like there's enough words and messages and sermons and praise songs in the files of my brain. I'm full up. As I sat in the Quaker Meeting, I suddenly pictured what I often feel happens when I sit in church: Words, words, words, banging at my brain, images begging me to feel, swells of music tangled up in reason and emotion. I sat in church a while ago and found peace not in the church or the songs or the sermon but in the awakening world I saw outside.

What do I miss in the church we've been going to?

A sense of mystery
Community unclouded by institutionalism
Mysticism
Silence

There is more to the journey for us. Our souls are crying for something else, and I feel we must follow. Will we end up being Quakers? Who knows?